How to Ask for What You Want!
Getting comfortable ASKING will make a world of difference in this industry and in your life in general! Personally, learning to ask was the difference between feeling bitter and making just enough and feeling grateful & receptive and making more than enough.
There are a lot of reasons why asking feels uncomfortable for many of us! We are going to examine some reasons why this is, and then point out tips on how to reframe it.
SOCIALIZATION: If you were raised as a girl, it is likely you were socialized to put others' comfort before your own and accept that whatever you had was enough. Most Women are socialized as kids to value being “nice” and liked over having our own needs met, which makes asking tough. Women who want a lot out of life (of anything! Money, attention, things) are portrayed as selfish, bitchy, materialistic, and high maintenance. (Note: I am very pleased to see this ideology being shattered by the young women of today). Even when we logically understand the error of this ideology, it’s hard to shake the emotions it brings up. Asking may make you feel anxious that you’re being ungrateful or asking for “too much.”
TO HELP REFRAME THIS, stop and think about who ARE the most admired, desired, and successful women of all time? Bitches. Sex Pots. Power Houses. Women who would not shut up or stay still or be good. Cleopatra, Josephine Baker, Marilyn Monroe, Oprah, Angelina Jolie. A modern day example I *love* is the Clermont Twins. They are two women who know what they want and live their lives unapologetically, however controversial that may be. They do not seem to give a fuck about the chit chat. Say what you want about them, love them or hate them- they are living the way THEY want to.
It also helps to remember that as a woman- you will ALWAYS be criticized. So, fuck it. The public treats our appearance and attitude as if we belong to them to comment on- Too nice? She’s a pushover. Too quiet? She thinks she's better than everyone. Too skinny? She needs to eat something, get some curves. Too fat? She needs to lose some weight and take care of herself. Get surgery? Wow she’s fake! Stay at home mom? She’s lazy and depends on a man. Career woman? Wow she should consider her family more! Prefer to go bare faced and dress simply? OMG she needs to put some effort in. Enjoy full beat makeup and dressing up? OMG she’s such an attention seeker!
DO Y’ALL SEE WHAT I MEAN? NO MATTER WHAT A WOMAN DOES IT’LL BE “TOO” MUCH IN SOME WAY. Go ahead, try it. Think of anything a woman does or is and you will automatically think of the way it is used to criticize her. So who better to please and live for than yourself?
BULLSHIT ASS CARETAKERS: If you had parents or a caretaker who made you feel guilty, ashamed, or unsafe for having your needs met as a child *raises hand*, you probably feel uncomfortable asking for what you want and need now as an adult. My father always complained about how much money he *had* to spend on me and how inconvenient it was having to, you know, raise the child he chose to have. He constantly brought up this or that thing he’s done for me, making me feel ashamed for needing anything. Caretakers behaving in this way makes us associate our needs with shame and guilt. We feel ashamed for needing so much, and guilty for upsetting them. Shame and guilt feel terrible, so as adults, we often cope by becoming fiercely independent and developing a “I don’t need anyone” attitude. Relying on others- which is what asking is- brings up those childhood feelings of guilt and shame, so we avoid doing it.
TO HELP REFRAME THIS, focus on the feeling of being in control. You are not that little kid anymore. Though it can feel scary, the consequences of asking now are not the same as then. When I felt nervous, or like what I wanted was “too much,” it helped me to look at photos of me as a little girl. SHE deserves to be comfortable, cared for, loved, and provided what she needs. And I now am capable of caring for her by demanding what I want out of life.
Healing these feelings is a complex, highly individual process which is obviously far beyond me and my lil stripper blogs capability to do for anyone. But I hope it can be a reminder to you that nothing is too good for you, and you are capable of doing the work to truly embody that feeling.
FEAR OF REJECTION / FAILURE: Rejection and failure are tough. Even when they end up being for our better good, in the moment, they feels like crap. We try to protect ourselves from that pain by not asking or trying at all. And while having no expectations means no disappointments, it also means no celebrations. You are avoiding pain but sacrificing your potential joy, success, and fulfillment… which is it’s own type of pain.
TO HELP REFRAME THIS, remember: Rejection is not a statement about your personal worth, it is an act that moves you closer to what IS for you. Someone saying no to you does not change you. It does not make you any less worthy of what you want- you still deserve it. And you can still get it. A rejection or failure is an act that moves us closer to what is for us by removing what is not for us. So instead of focusing on “Oh no, they said no, it didn’t work, that’s it,” try focusing on “Now I know this is not the path to me getting what I want. What else can I try?”
Remember those mazes in coloring books from when we were kids? A rejection is simply you running into a wall in the maze. You’re not trapped there- all you have to do is turn around and try another path. There is still a way out of the maze- you running into the wall doesn’t change that.
Failure is an education, and rejection is protection.
WHY ASKING IS IMPORTANT: Because closed mouths truly don’t get fed. You will increase your income and overall success by learning to ask.
Asking helps you to be more efficient by not wasting time with those who aren’t worth it, and getting the most income and gifts as you can from those who are. Time is a nonrenewable resource y’all. Every 34 seconds you spend replying to Mr. “Haha yeah let’s grab drinks sometime!” is 34 seconds you lost with Mr. “Check your Cashapp.” Womp womp womp.
You help yourself avoid a lot of burnout by simply refusing to engage with those who won’t make it worth your while. End the arguing, stop the back and forth chat hoping that he’ll randomly decide to do something for you. Instead- make it clear that access to you has requirements.
Asking also saves you from the regret of “what if?” We've all been on the floor, saw a customer, and considered chatting with him and asking for a VIP or dances. And then BOOM, while we're twiddling our fingers, another girl swoops in and gets the VIP. Even when you ask and they say no, you know you tried and can easily move on to the next opportunity.
TIPS TO GET COMFY ASKING AT WORK:
Look your Best: This helped me a ton. While I was still dealing with healing and feelings of unworthiness- my appearance was something tangible. When my toes and nails matched, I smelled good, my outfit was sexy, my jewelry was sparkling- who could say no to me? Now, of course people could and did say no to me. But putting effort into my look gave me confidence and made me FEEL my best. It made it easier to approach customers knowing I had put effort into looking like the fantasy girl they came for. Even before I *felt* I deserved it, I felt I *looked* like a woman who deserved it would look. A lil bit of fake it to you make it will get you to… eventually actually making it.
Remember that it’s an EXCHANGE: You aren’t asking these men for a handout. You are WORKING. You are asking them to engage in an experience that they’d not get to have- and are not entitled to- for free. Women aren’t straddling men and rubbing their perfect asses on them at the grocery store. Women aren’t walking around in neon microkinis and diamond chokers and 9” heels and bedazzled thigh highs in their day to day life. No one is listening to them go on and on about their jobs and wives and whatever while giggling and gazing at them with big doe eyes and pouty lips. You are an experience worth paying for.
Especially remember this when club customers try to take up your time texting- you don’t become free or more accessible simply because you’re not in the club. Make him make it worth it or make him keep it moving.
Be Cute About It: Related to it being an exchange, part of your role in that is to be sweet and grateful. Yeah yeah it can be annoying to have to play “cutesie” and act subservient, but don’t let your entitlement and bitterness get in the way of a bag. I am an extremely straightforward and critical person in real life- but when asking custies for stuff, best believe I turned the *cutie pie* all the way up. So, bite your lip. Grab his chin and look in his eyes and tell him he’s the best. Add “babe” and the big eyes emoji to your texts. Say thank you, and try to mean it. Gratitude is a contagious thing. If he feels appreciated, that is a wonderful, fulfilling feeling he will want to feel again… mmm k?
Focus on your Wins: When you’re having anxiety about asking, stop and focus on a time when you asked and it paid off big. When I was a baby dancer at Satin Dolls, I was terrified to ask for VIP Rooms at first. After a few shifts, I was drunk and asked some young-finance type looking guy. He said yes! Whoo! He then proceeded to get so trashed that he threw the cash he had left on the table and left to throw up. It was $1600. At that time, it became my best shift yet. Whenever I was having an *anxiety* day, I remembered how asking that day went. And then went on to ask, ask, ask my ass off, to many men who became my regulars.
Remember You Will Win: It’s just math babes. The more you ask, the more you’ll hear no, but also- the more you’ll hear YES. The more rejections you deal with, the stronger you become. You start to realize that nothing bad happens when you hear “no.” You become more comfortable asking, which leads to more and more of YES YES YES. Take note of the extra income you made because you had the courage to ask and let it snowball into an overwhelming feeling of power and worthiness.
I see people asking for advice a lot about what to do when a customer from the club wants to meet with you outside of work and “take you out.” This happens all the time. If you aren’t open to this- it’s a great opportunity to practice boundaries. Send them a quick ‘Hey I appreciate you asking, but I’d rather meet up at the club! I’ll be there Tuesday and Friday from 7-2 babes, can’t wait to see you <3!” text.
If you are open to it, this is a great opportunity to practice asking for what you want. The hesitation in this situation is usually out of a fear that if we ask, they’ll say no or think we are “rude” for asking for money, and if we decline they’ll stop coming to the club.
Here is the thing- neither of those fears is based in reality. First of all, he was bold enough to ask you out knowing that you are a luxury he has to pay for. So, it is okay for you to be bold enough to ask for whatever you feel is fair to go out with him.
Second of all, once he gets *anything* out of you for free, he damn sure isn’t going to keep paying for it. If he stops coming to the club because you won’t go out with him, he… also wasn’t going to keep coming if you did. He is trying to get you for free because many men have an entitlement problem.
The way I dealt with this was to reply something like, “Hey! That sounds lovely! If you don’t mind covering my shift with $xxxx, I’ll consider it. I know we’d have a blast! Otherwise I will be in Tues n Friday 7-2 and would luuuv to see you! XOXO”
If he throws a tantrum, is rude, or anything- who cares. Block him, he is a loser. I have had both customers agree to what I proposed and gone out with them, had customers not agree, but continue to come see me at the club, and others who initially declined but well, well, well- showed up at the club or agreed to my terms eventually. The truth is that they want what they can’t have, so protect your standards and ask away.
Ok y’all, now tap your Pleasers three times in a row and say “I am that bitch, I get what I want, it is mine! Mine! Mine!” and get TO IT.
Luv U All,
Stay Tuned for Part 2: Tips to *Getting* What you Want & Client Archetypes (Knowing who to ask for what) Coming in a few weeks! <3